Considered often indistinguishable from a piece of fan fiction written by a director in the midst of puberty, My Policeeman is the emotion-baffling star vehicle of the world’s most popular sex symbol. Harry Styles recycles wardrobe and expressions from another 2022 disaster, do not worry my lovedirected by Michael Grundig Same-sex love story About the oppression and remorse that bears all the intensity of a gay pride flag fluttering in the dark on a still summer night.
My cop is a failure on practically every level, others are waiting to be invented. But perhaps her biggest crime is to make blatant homophobia not only the surrogate of the audience, but also the hero, without acknowledging her actions in any meaningful way. This character – a woman named Marion – is played by Jenna Mackie in today’s sequences, and by Crown Emma Corinne in Flashbacks. Marion is married to a man named Tom, who is the kind of uncle if any, played by Linus Roach today. But when he was young, he looked like a pop star.
And since most of the movie unfolds in a flashback, Tom’s Styles version is the one we spend the most time with. After a grueling opening sequence with an older Tom and Marion trapped in a passionless marriage, we return to what first happened – he’s an awkwardly sensitive cop, a woman of culture. On an early date, Tom Marion is taken to the local museum, where they both listen intently to the curator’s catchy comment about the paintings on display. The three form a quick friendship, but that’s when the movie decides to launch its first arbitrary plot twists.
Armed with the slightest bit of information about this movie, you’d probably expect Tom and the cute curator to start their relationship at this point. But a policeman reveals, about 30 minutes later, that the case has been going on the whole time, and that the field trip to the museum was an excuse for Tom to meet his lover Patrick. While we are forced to watch the world’s most boring play take pointless conversations at the dinner table, his secret companion paints Tom as one of Jack’s French girls. Marion had always had her doubts about them, but she was discovering the most exciting details of the case years later in Patrick’s diaries.
It’s actually less of a plot twist and more of an unnecessary circular route to the same destination. We’ve always known that Tom and Patrick would be romantically involved, so why would we treat this as some kind of big reveal, especially since the only thing this does is make Tom even more hateful than he already is? Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally fine for Tom to be an “unloved” fellow – there’s no rule that says he has to be a saint – but the movie doesn’t seem to realize this, and continues to insist that he was just a victim of circumstances.
Ostensibly a story of longing and lost love, My Police Police is like the parody trailer about gay priests at the start of Tropic Thunder. Scenes that are meant to be sensitive are embarrassment-inducing, the shows are uniformly inept, and some of the lines…my words, are out loud funny. Taste this gem: “This love is all-consuming. I pity people who don’t know what it feels like to be in love.” Now imagine this being said in the most melodramatic and earnest way, while a cello solo groans in the background. My Policeeman is based on the 2012 novel by Bethan Roberts, so it’s possible that many of the lines were simply reproduced from the book, but they don’t translate on screen because the making of the movie is so obvious. In addition, the film should resort to inner monologues only when all else fails.
The film piles on the absurd with each passing minute, before ending up exposing such striking stupidity that you wish you hadn’t already exhausted your reserve of rage – and that’s also more than relatively less offensive things like Styles’ amateur performance. And unintentionally funny writing. But this is the kind of movie.
Didn’t anyone realize that the lonely straight character of the central trio might not have been the perfect entry point into a same-sex romance? When will Styles’ fans see his blatant attempts to seduce his fan base? More importantly, did Emma Corinne put on a standout performance on The Crown only to be shown such nonsense?
We learn nothing about these characters other than their basic traits. They only seem to be able to feel about two emotions: lust and jealousy. That would be good enough, if the movie knew how to weaponize the natural charisma of its stars. Especially Styles, whose raw sex appeal makes him the kind who could, if he wanted, make whole flocks of fans faint just by picking his nose suggestively. What a tuck that would be. Even in this movie, you should remember, both Marion and Patrick are supposed to be in love with Tom. And all the time, you wonder why?
Director – Michael Grundig
spit – Harry Styles, Emma Corinne, David Dawson, Linus Roach, Jenna McKee, Robert Everett
evaluation – 1/5
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